Tiger Woods Made a Mistake!

I have followed the Tiger Woods saga with baited breathe and cannot get enough of the juicy details. Part of this is my desire to see the infallible, perfect, God of Golf get his empire crumbled to nothing. The other reason why I am following the story is because I am a red-blooded, American male who feels like Tiger Woods is an idiot. I am going to say what every husband, boyfriend and coworker is too afraid to say about the Tiger Woods scandal... Tiger made a mistake... He got married.

Tiger Woods is pulling in $100 million a year. He owns nearly a dozen homes and a yacht. That’s right, a yacht. Tiger Woods is recession proof! He is at the top of his game and his popularity is untouchable. He is marketing gold. He spouts profanity like an 18^th Century sailor in front of millions of people every Sunday when he catches one a little too fat or has a slice into a bunker and is still the most beloved athlete in America. Why then, would Tiger ruin all of this by getting married?

He has dozens of 18 year old bikini models and heiresses waiting for him at every clubhouse. If he is going to have sex with these girls, which obviously he did anyway, why would he get married? If Tiger were to have sex with all of these women and never have gotten married, the Mickey Mantle Syndrome would have set in. The media would love him. He would have been the best player and the Playboy of the PGA. He would be held to a standard that could never be matched by another man. Men would want to be Tiger even more than they already did before the scandal hit. Women would want to be near him because of his money, power, and influence.

Some people may be offended by my view on the scandal but there is truth in these statements. My next point of why he made a mistake on getting married is this: He would not have to fear the countless women running to the tabloids. Ok, so some of them kept the secret for a while but he had to figure that it would come out eventually. If he were a bachelor, he would not have had to pay off all of these women to attempt to keep them quiet. If he were a bachelor, the National Enquirer would have posted it on page 6 instead of page 1. If he were a bachelor, he would have even more sponsors than he already has. Every advertisement in Maxim Magazine would be of Tiger, in a duster surrounded by countless models and hocking any number of products. The Axe company comes to mind.

Why then did Tiger marry this Swedish nanny? I think he fell into a common trap that so many young men fall into. He is successful in his career, he has financial stability, and he feels as though the next step has to be marriage and kids. This is a real and prevalent problem because he was not ready. He had too much to lose from this and not enough sense to realize that he would be setting up the empire to crumble. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not against the institution of marriage. Someday, this crass cynic will walk down the aisle (probably several times). The issue that exists for Tiger, which I will never have an issue with, is that I will never have thousands of groupies and temptation anywhere. When this gargoyle finally gets married, it will be because I truly love the individual I am marrying and that I feel like I could never do any better. Tiger clearly felt he could do better, and did about a dozen times.

Nugg Life

To this point in the NBA playoffs, I have come across something that I couldn’t pass up writing about. The Denver Nuggets have had quite a run to this point and I think the season can best be described through song. I know, I know... This is kind of weird but I can describe the Nuggets to you through the songs of Tupac Shakur or as the kids call him "2Pac".

"Keep Ya Head Up" is over DJ Daryl’s rendition of Zapp & Roger’s "Be Alright". The message in the song is about staying ahead of the struggle. The Nuggets came into this season with a rather large chip on their shoulder having failed to get past the first round of the playoffs since Dikembe Mutumbo’s era. They came in with a very questionable lineup which was missing Marcus Camby and still held onto Allen Iverson. Nevertheless, The Nuggets soldiered on like the Tupac preached and held on, waiting for a change.

"My Block" is a jam that hears 2Pac say, "Cause all these little babies goin’ crazy and they suffering in the game." It wasn’t long before the trade was made and Chauncey Billups was able to come home and represent for his block. Out were the babies which 2Pac spoke of (Allen Iverson) and in was a point guard with the ability to disperse the ball to teammates.

"Trapped" by 2Pac describes the Nuggets in the Western Conference. With all but one team (the Lakers) being so tight and anybody who loses a couple of games going from 3rd in the conference all the way to 9th, the Nuggets knew there was nowhere to go. As 2Pac screams, "I’d rather die than be trapped in a living hell, they got me trapped!"

"Brenda’s Got a Baby" which was written about a young mother forced to raise a child on her own because the father ran away. I just used this as an example because I guarantee that someone on the Nuggets has done this at some point. JR Smith, I’m looking at you.

"Dear Mama" by 2Pac is an apologetic piece to his own mother for being so wild and out of control. On the other hand, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban felt that since Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin hadn’t written the song, he would tell Kenyon’s Mother for him. He berated Mrs. Martin saying, "Your son is a thug!" No, uhh Mark... Her son is a Nug. Get it straight.

"Me Against The World" 2Pac sums up what everyone outside of the 303 believed about the Nuggets. No one gave them a chance. Sure, they were the #2 seed in the Western Conference but the Lakeshow won the season by almost 10 games. The world believed they could not and should not win. It was the Nuggets against the world.

"To Live and Die in L.A." fully encapsulates the Western Conference Finals to me. The Nuggets have shown they can live by beating the Lakers at the Staples Center but they have also shown they can play utterly sloppy and uninspired basketball while "California Dreamin’and hearing hoochies screamin’". Those aren’t my words. Those are 2Pac’s words.

Finally, I hope the series is summed up by brighter songs than "So Many Tears" or "Life Goes On" but rather by the song "Changes" which states that, "Some things will never change" but even 2Pac might agree that the Nuggets in the NBA Finals would be a pleasant change. Another song that might work would be "Picture Me Rollin’" which would be a good summary of what the Nuggets could do all the way to the Finals.
Who will prevail can be anyone’s guess but That is the final song in 2Pac’s repertoire, "Lord Knows".

Lastly, Since I am like every other white Nuggets fan... here is a picture of my favorite Balla...

Randomness

I woke today because I had to. While the rest of the world was able to sleep in, I had to go to work. In my profession, there is always something to do. I have spent the first few hours in a daze. I think my brain knows it’s a holiday and it has essentially asked my body to take the brunt of today’s labor. The other night, I went out to the local bar. My mother, of all people, encouraged me to go. I consumed a mere three beers simply because I didn’t have the cash. FYI bars in Iowa still haven’t discovered that credit cards are a form of money.
In the bar, I was glued to the TV. The Nuggets were playing a pivotal game 3 against the Los Angeles Lakers and I think I scared people away because of my incessant screaming at the lowly Nug-puppies. I have been a fan of the Nuggets as long as I can remember. This has been a difficult life for a Nugget fan. The last time they were this far into the playoffs, I was 6 months old. I still remember the upset of the (defunct) Seattle Supersonics in 7 games back in the early 90’s. Dikembe Mutumbo and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf were names I couldn’t read but worshipped. Likewise, I remember attending 12 games in 1997. That year, the Nuggets became the worst team in NBA history. 9 wins and I saw none of them. The funny thing was, people went to the games to see the debacle of the Nuggets. They had plenty of pokes and puns at their expense that year. They may have been the No-guts but they were my No-guts.
Anywho, after the ensuing loss to LA, I wasn’t in a great mood and the bar is a bad place to be when in a bad mood. My coworkers were there and, as usual, hitting on every double-bagger in the place. That is fine... for them. I refuse to hit on girls in Iowa. An attractive female in Iowa has a false sense of confidence. They seem to think they are something amazing but if they go on vacation to places like Las Vegas or Miami, they would be referred to as the ugly friend. I am not going to hit on a girl who thinks she is the cat’s meow when she is just the best available option in Iowa.
I stayed for the rest of the night because I could tell I would have to be a DD for my coworkers. I don’t mind. It is better than the alternative. By alternative, I mean having to hear that we need to hire another new coach because our last one got a DUI. We make a quick stop by the Kum N Go. For those of you who are not familiar with what that is, it is a gas station, I kid you not. The other coaches, possibly inebriated, probably just desperate, proceed to hit on the thick girl working at the gas station. I mean, seriously, will I be reduced to that if I stay here to long? I pray not.
After dropping off the last of the coaches, I fell into bed and couldn’t sleep. Nothing that normally makes me tired was working. Hot shower, read a little, attempt to clear my head. I couldn’t. You hear about coaches who work for hours and hours and pull all-nighters working on god knows what. I understand why. I was thinking about everything that had to do with work. Not my menial day to day responsibilities but about next season, the season after that and 20 seasons from now. It was said that “Dreamers, typically, are not doers.” Well, I like to think that isn’t true. I am constantly getting ahead of myself, my plans, my goals. The problem is, it was these dreams that are effecting my sleep dreams. I finally fell asleep about 5 am. This seriously threw off my sleep pattern and could be another excuse as to why my brain has essentially called in sick.

Random thoughts. I haven’t done one of these in a while. I doubt anyone was losing any sleep over the fact that my random thoughts were not written and documented for the world to see in well over a year. There is no time like the present. It is said that a man has a sexual thought every 6 seconds. I thought I would let you delve into my thoughts that had nothing to do with sexuality at all. These are all thoughts I have had run through my head recently and I have taken the time out of my day to jot them down for being either quirky, inane or insane. Here we go...

-The last time Swine flu came to America, the vaccine killed more people than the virus did. Seriously. It was a wonderful and marvelous time when Gerald Ford was in the White House, bell-bottom pants were still in style and the world had not a care in the world... except the emerging economic crisis and the incredible lack of nationalism found in a failed war and a crooked presidency. At least everyone was still clinging to Disco right?

-How come there are so few bands named after geographical locations anymore? Did we tap the market in the 70's and 80's. Kansas, Boston, Chicago... I am waiting in intense anticipation for a band named something like Sacramento or Birmingham. Dont forget Asia. They were big enough for an entire continent. The biggest one was perhaps Foreigner. They laid claim to everyone who was not an American and made us ponder what the "First Time" really felt like.

-Have the creative directors at VH1 been on vacation for about 5 years. If every show you air has a 2 or 3 after the title, it can’t be considered original programming. Do you really think Bret Michaels is looking for true love? Do you think that anyone who competed for his love belongs on television or in a mental institution? I mean, now they have a charm school show that does not truly try to rehabilitate these lost souls, instead, it shoves booze down their throats and lets them, well do their thing. Also, I am 65% sure that "New York" is a guy in drag.

-If the world is supposed to end in 2012, I will be more angry than sad or scared. Think about the line we will have to endure at the pearly gaits. I picture it being run like the Department of Motor Vehicles. I will take a number and it will be something like ‘4,543,896,002' and the little digital read out will say something like ‘43.’ My reaction would be to suspect I had ended up in hell.

-If I leave my room now and drive to the gas station, I may be involved in a fatal accident which changes the course of history forever. If I wait two minutes, the accident may avoid me but then we just travel down another alternate future which could lead to worse things than my own death. I watched Back To The Future entirely too much growing up.

-Is it possible to pull a muscle without actually doing anything? I realize that I have been living a fairly sedentary lifestyle of late but when I suddenly grab a joint in pain while sitting, that is a bad sign, right? I think I have that disease from the movie "Jack" where he ages incredibly fast. If that is the case, I hope I get Alzheimmers. At least I will meet new people every day.

-Shamwow is looking for a new spokesperson. How hard could that job be? In case you hadn't heard, the creepy skinny guy they used to have doing the commercial was recently seriously bitten on the tongue by a prostitute in Florida. Turns out the Shamwow people think that this could hurt their image. I say, the product speaks for itself. I could sell the shit out of that spongy rag.

-Who were some of the actors on "Chicago Hope"? I can name a bunch from ER but none from that terrible show. Hector Elizondo...ok, there’s one. That is all for that thought.

-Dire Straits could have either been one of the most insightful groups ever or one of the most random. Listen to "Sultans of Swing" or "Bug" and tell me they aren’t either deep or lost.

That is all for now. Piece y’all.

Observations of Iowa:
Iowa is an entirely unremarkable state. Its expanses of empty fields leave a person feeling at home or isolated from reality. I tend to believe that I am in the latter. It is true that I was born here but that is saying very little. About six months after my birth, my mother packed me up and moved us to live with my father’s family in Wisconsin. One of many moves I will undoubtedly make during my journey through life. My perceptions of Iowa, prior to moving here, consisted of what I had seen in the few trips to visit distant relatives. Of course, the open fields, the agrarian communities strewn across the landscape like stars in the nights sky, and a relatively slow pace to life all define Iowa. Since moving here, those observations are still evident but there are other truths I have come upon.
Over the course of 24 years, I must have shed whatever outer appearance I may have had that linked me to Iowa. I can enter any restaurant or bar in this state and it is as if I have some infectious disease which is outwardly noticeable to all but me. Like out of a Hollywood movie, I enter through the front door, the music in the juke box screeches to a halt and every neck snaps in my direction to look at the incoming freak show. I want to scream the immortal words of Joseph Merrick, "I am not an animal!" I have a high and tight hairstyle, t-shirt and jeans. I am not dressed any differently than anyone else but for some weird reason, people in Iowa have a sixth sense for people not of Iowa.

Girls in Iowa are pretty disappointing as well. Upon my arrival, I asked if there were any good looking girls around and when pointed towards a few examples, I said a very eager, "No thanks." My coworkers countered me by saying that they will begin to look "good" after a few months. What is this, prison? The fact of the matter is, they were right. I know that I have been here too long when the girls in Iowa Falls start to look like a good idea. Thank goodness I will be able to leave in a couple of weeks. This may be an exaggeration but it's pretty damn close...Iowa has been kind to me in many ways, however. The people at the college are nice and the fact that I don’t have to pay for rent or food is a bonus. My room is just that. Four walls made of the best cinder block money can buy. The electricity is steady and rarely goes out. The cable is fuzzy but, also, rarely goes out.

The food choices in this town however make it difficult to maintain a weight below a metric ton. Every restaurant is a buffet, which combined with my lacking strength of will can be a lethal combination. I have a super mini fridge in my room which stores about two meals worth of food so... I either have to shop for groceries every day or try to work off every bit of food I eat. It’s a daunting challenge but one I have to be up for.
These are just a few observations I have had on Iowa thus far. I am sure I will have more but until then, keep on keepin’ on. For more on Iowa, here is Bullsh** video about it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqgKGtYfr_U